Coping with Loss

Loss is a part of life that becomes more common as people grow older. Losing someone or something important to you is never easy, but it can help to learn more about loss, how it can affect you, and how to deal with it in healthy ways.

What is loss?

There are many different kinds of loss, such as death, divorce, a move, or an illness, or even the death of a pet. In fact, any big change can lead to feelings of loss. Break-ups and changing friendships can be experienced as loss too.

What does loss feel like?

It is normal for your reaction to a loss to change over time. Usually, at first you will have a feeling of numbness or "denial", which means that you don't really believe or accept that the loss really happened. After you have accepted that the loss is real, it is common to experience feelings like anger and extreme sadness. It is also common to feel guilt, as if you should have done something to prevent the loss or should have acted differently before the loss happened. All of these feelings are normal.

It may take a long time, but eventually you will come to accept the loss. Slowly, over time, your feelings will become less intense and finally return to normal. No one can say exactly how long it will take to accept a loss, but give yourself time, and you will start to feel better each day.

Is there any way to avoid the painful feelings?

Painful feelings are always part of loss, but there are some things that can help you get through the experience. Be sure to take care of your health by eating, getting enough rest, and avoiding drugs and alcohol. Try not to make any major decisions until you are feeling better, since you probably aren't thinking as clearly as you usually do. Expressing your feelings by talking, writing, art or listening to or playing music is often helpful. It can also help to stick to your usual daily routines. No one can predict exactly how someone will respond to a loss and how long the feelings will last, but in most cases, people are able to adjust to loss and move ahead with their lives.

What can I do to help someone through a loss?

It may not sound like much, but just "being there" is the most important thing you can do, even though this may feel uncomfortable. Listening to the person's feelings, sharing memories, and helping with everyday things like doing errands can be extremely helpful. For someone who has suffered a loss, the presence of friends is an important reminder that they are not all alone.

What if I don't start to feel better?

It is important to get professional help if you feel like you can't cope with the loss on your own. The following signs might mean that you need to talk with a professional. It's time to get help if you or a friend experiences any of the following:

Spending a lot of time alone, instead of with friends and family
Changes in sleeping or eating, or lack of interest in normal, daily activities
Using drugs and alcohol to numb your feelings
Doing risky things that you usually wouldn't do
Feeling like you want to harm yourself in any way

Anyone who feels that the pain from a loss is too much to handle should think about talking to a professional, such as a school counselor, psychologist, social worker, or clergy person. The most important things to remember about coping with loss are:

Be patient with yourself
Find healthy ways to let your feelings out
Let people who are close to you offer their support
See a counselor if you feel like you could use help with getting through your loss

Written by the CYWH and YMH Staff at Children's Hospital Boston

Updated: 2/12/2008

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