Safety in Relationships: A Guide for Teens

Safety in Relationships:

A Guide for Teens

Relationships, including friendships and dating relationships, are part of what makes life fun and exciting. Unfortunately, relationships can sometimes become unhealthy and harmful to you or other people involved, both physically and emotionally. This information guide was created to help you to understand the signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship and to learn ways to change a bad situation.

What is a healthy relationship?

You and your friend or the person you are dating feel good about each other and yourselves
You do activities together, like going to movies, playing sports or hanging out with other friends
There is respect and honesty between both people. You listen to each other’s thoughts and feelings. Even if you argue or disagree sometimes, you can talk things out and reach a compromise that works for both of you
You accept each other’s right to say “no” or change your mind, without giving each other a hard time.You understand that it is important for both of you to stay involved with the activities and interests you enjoyed before you became close.You both need time to hang out with other friends, as well as time for yourselves.

What are risky or unhealthy relationships?

Unhealthy relationships are relationships that hurt one or both of the people involved. They may hurt physically or emotionally.

What are the signs that I am in an abusive or unhealthy relationship?

Take a look at this list of “warning signs” and see if any of these statements describe your relationship:

Your friend or the person you are going out with:

is jealous or possessive of you—he or she gets angry when you talk or hang out with other friends
wants to make all the decisions or tell you what to do
is violent or mean to you, loses his/her temper a lot
pressures you to have sex or to do something sexual that you don’t want to do
uses drugs or alcohol and tries to pressure you into doing the same thing
swears at you or uses mean language
blames you for his or her problems, tells you that it is your fault that he or she hurt you
insults you or tries to embarrass you in front of other people
makes you feel scared of their reactions to things

If any of these statements are true for your relationship, you may be in an unhealthy relationship. It’s important to also remember that abuse can sometimes be mistaken for intense feelings of love or concern. If the behavior does not promote respect and consideration, it may be a sign of abuse.

Why are some people violent?

There are many reasons why a person could be violent or abusive to their friend or person they are dating:

People who grow up in violent families may think that violence is the way to solve a problem
They may be pressured by their friends to prove how strong they are
They may have trouble controlling their anger
They may be under the influence of drugs or alcohol

Many people who are abusive have been the victims of abuse themselves. They may be very unhappy and troubled. They are not necessarily bad people, but there is still NO EXCUSE for violence.Violence in a relationship is never okay!

Why do some people stay in unhealthy or violent relationships?

It can be hard to get out of a violent relationship—you can’t just turn off your feelings for someone you care about. Also, violent relationships often go in cycles. After a person is abusive, they may be extra nice and apologetic, and promise never to do it again. It may be a while before they act violently again.

Other reasons it can be hard to get out of an abusive relationship are:

You may be ashamed to admit you are in an abusive relationship
You may be scared to be without that person
You may be scared that your friend or partner will hurt you or hurt themselves more if you tell someone

People who are abused often believe that if they are nice enough, or behave well enough, their friend or partner will stop being violent—NOT TRUE.
Abuse is not your fault, so changing your behavior won’t stop it.

Whatever the reasons, leaving an unhealthy relationship is hard, and you may need help to do it.

Why should I leave?

Abusive relationships are unhealthy emotionally. You may lose your self confidence and find it harder to have other relationships
Abusive relationships are unhealthy physically. You can have trouble sleeping, headaches, or stomach aches. You might feel depressed, sad, anxious or nervous.
If you are being physically abused, you can receive injuries that cause permanent damage
Most importantly: you deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy and fun!!

How do I get out of an unhealthy or abusive relationship?

Some people need help getting out of an unhealthy relationship. They might be afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings or making them angry. Talk to a parent, friend, counselor, doctor, teacher, coach or other trusted person about your relationship. They can help you contact other people (your parents, school security, or even the police) if necessary.

Sometimes, leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous, because your friend or partner may try to stop you from leaving. It will be a lot easier and safer if you make and stick to a Safety Plan.

Here are some tips on making your Safety Plan:

Tell a trusted adult
Tell the person who is abusing you that you do not want to see him or her
Do this over the phone so they cannot touch you, or with your parents or guardians at home so you know you will be safe in your house
Keep track of any violence. This will be important if you need the police to issue a restraining order against the person. It will also be a useful reminder to you of why you are leaving the relationship!
Avoid contact with the person
Call 911 right away if you are ever afraid that the person is following you or is going to hurt you
Keep domestic violence hot-line numbers in your wallet, or program into your cell phone (see below)

What do I do if a friend tells me that he or she is in an abusive relationship?

Listen very carefully to what your friend has to say
Do not blame or judge your friend. People who are abused have a tendency to blame themselves already
Tell your friend you believe what he or she is saying, and that you know it is not his or her fault
Remind your friend about all the friends and family who care, and want him or her to be safe
Tell your friend to tell a parent or other trusted adult right away—offer to help
Give your friend information on how to make a safety plan and give him or her phone numbers of counselors an domestic violence hotlines (see below)
Be sure not to take this on alone. Talk with a trusted adult such as a school counselor about how to help your friend.

Even if your friend does not listen to your advice, do not tell him or her to choose between the abusive partner and you: this will make your friend feel that he or she can’t talk to you. Remember that leaving an abusive relationship is hard, and may take several tries!

What should I do if I am behaving in an abusive or unhealthy way in a relationship?

It is excellent that you recognize that you are having trouble behaving well in a relationship, because it will be easier to get help. It is essential that you seek help so that these behaviors won’t become a lifelong pattern. Talk to your doctor, school guidance counselor or a therapist to get help.

What else do I need to know?

At least 1 in 10 teens experience physical violence in their relationships
Even if abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional) does not affect you, it could be affecting one of your friends
If you or your friend is in an unhealthy relationship, get help right away before someone gets hurt!

Who can I go to for help?

There may be local resources in your community that you can call. Here are some national hotlines that you can call 24 hours a day to get help and advice.

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
The Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-HIT-HOME (448-4663)
The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

Written by the CYWH and YMH Staff

Updated 6/18/2008

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